So today is a year since I last spoke to you.
I was up almost all night last night, thinking about you and reminiscing. I went back through our old text messages. I shouldn’t have done that to myself, I know that’s what made me lay awake all night. But I needed to see your words. I needed to hear your voice in my head. I needed to know I told you how much I loved you.
Grief is STUPID hard. it hits you like a ton of bricks sometimes. I came out on my little balcony to look at the sky, wishing that as I looked I would get a sign of some kind. I hope the pain would go away, but it stayed. I cried the same way I did when I found out that my dad was gone. it’s the kind of crying that comes out, you can’t stop it, it’s coming from a deep place of pain. it’s the kind of pain that you cry and wish with all your might that it would reverse somehow, that things would be “fixed”, that it would all go away. I get mad when I feel that. it’s a completely lost feeling that makes me want to punch a wall, or scream at the top of my lungs. it’s a frustration and pain that is like nothing I’ve felt ever before.
it’s not just loss in general that has me like this. it’s the loss of my very best friend on earth, the only person on the planet that had my back 100%, the only person who ever “got” me, the person I talked to 3 times a day every single day. the depth of the love I had for my daddy is absolutely unfathomable. I will never feel that again.
I literally loved him more than anything. he could do no wrong in my eyes. I can seriously look back on my entire life and know that we were best friends.
the last chance I had with him was this day one year ago. the last chance to say what I needed to say, what I wanted to say, to hug his neck.
I remember it like it was yesterday. the pain hasn’t been alleviated one bit over time. it might as well have been yesterday, for me.
he looked so sickly. he hadnt been eating or drinking much. I tried to fuss at him to convince him to eat. I told him I didn’t want him to die. I told him that several times. he cried that day, over a subaru commercial on his hospital room tv, and I remember tearing up myself and asking him why he was crying. he didn’t have an answer. but he knew. I know looking back, that he knew.
I remember he was in pain. I walked up and down the hallway, trying to find a nurse, and I finally told someone at the desk that he needed some medicine for his pain. I told them this in a very inherited ‘Seagle temper’ kind of way. this is the temper I got from him, and he got from his dad.
we said our goodbyes to daddy that evening. I hugged him and kissed him. Will kissed him. robbie shook his hand. mom hugged his neck. we thought we would see him again. we believed with all our hearts that he would be just fine, because we wanted him to be, so why wouldn’t he?
I walked out of his room, and turned around and ran back in. I hugged him one more time and I told him I couldn’t do without him. he knew I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t. and I haven’t done without him. I’ve been a wreck.
what would I have done differently, had I known? I’d like to say I would have stayed up all night, telling him how much I loved him, how greatly I appreciated him, how lucky I was to have the most amazing human being as my dad. but, hindsight is 20/20, and you never fully know. there was no way for me to know. and I like to think that I told him enough while he was here.
I still want to scream. I still want to punch something, until I break my knuckles. I wish that getting all my frustration out would bring him back to me. I still want to go back, and have another chance. I want a do over. but I won’t have it here, on earth.
I survived this day. I’m alive. my eyes welled up with tears many times today. I can’t explain how much I miss him. it’s crazy how just this weekend, my body knew what was happening, and I started remembering the gravity of reality all over again. waking up at night thinking it was all a bad dream, just to realize it was real, all over again.
this is year one of the rest of my life without my sweet daddy. I will someday know how to feel about that, but I still can’t process it at this time. I would do anything to have him back. anything.